Awesome in Boots
by Chibi One-san
Summary: A new Fairy Tale, this time its my favourite one of all time Puss in Boots. I do not own Hetalia or the characters.


AWESOME IN BOOTS

There was once a miller who had three sons, and when he died his estate was divided among them. The older sons (who for some reason never actually had names in this story so I assumed died soon after) fared very well, but the youngest (this is the guy we actually have to give a crap about) received nothing but the cat, and he often complained bitterly of his lot.

"My brothers may get their living easily enough… do I really have to do this?" Ludwig asked.

Yes and the quicker you do the sooner we'll finish.

"Fine… but as for me, I may soon die of hunger and want."

The cat, who had heard this, came out of the cupboard where he had been listening.

"Don't worry West, the awesome Gilbert is here to help you!" he said

"Why are you wearing a Halloween cat costume?" Ludwig asked.

"Because I'm supposed to be the cat in this story, duh. Now where was I… oh, yeah, but first you have to get me some beer"

GILBERT! STICK TO THE GOD DAM SCRIPT OR I'LL POUR ALL YOUR BEER DOWN THE TOLIET!

"NEIN, YOU WOULDN'T!"

Try me.

"Fine… you have only to give me a bag, a pair of boots and an awesome sword"

GILBERT!

"What now?"

Puss didn't have a sword.

"Ja he did, I saw it in that movie"

The movie you saw and this fairy tale are two different stories altogether. Now for the last time stick to the script.

"Then forget the sword and gimme the bag and boots" Gilbert said.

Ludwig obtained both bag and boots, and watched the cat pull on the boots and throw the bag over his shoulder. Then Gilbert sallied forth.

"To the nearest pub!"

No! He went to a warren in which there were a great number of rabbits. He put some bran and some parsley into his bag, and then waited for some innocent rabbit to feast on the dainties. Soon two young rabbits jumped into his bag and Gilbert drew the strings and caught them.

Gilbert was very proud of his prey, and hurried with it to the palace and asked to speak to the king.

"Why would the king care that I caught some un-awesome rabbits?"

He just would.

Bowing low… Gilbert, bow before the King!

"You want me to bow before Lovino?" Gilbert asked.

"You think you have it bad, look who my 'wife' is" Lovino said.

ANTONIO, GET LOST!

"But I want to be with my Lovino" Antoine whined.

"You heard the lady, GET LOST BASTARD!" Lovino yelled.

You seriously didn't have to kick him that hard.

"He deserved it" Lovino said.

"Where do you think he'll land?" Gilbert asked.

"Don't know, don't care"

Anyway, Gilbert said, "Sire, I have brought for you some un-awesomely stupid rabbits from the warren of my noble lord, the Marquis of Carabas… seriously? Why not the Marquis of Awesome?"

Because not everything has to be awesome.

"Then how about the Marquis of West?"

Well… fine, you already call Ludwig that anyway.

"Ja! The Marquis of West told me to give this present to your majesty with his compliments."

King Lovino was much pleased and said, "Tell your lord Marquis of West that I accept his present with pleasure though I would have preferred tomatoes"

Well sorry but the story says you get rabbits besides it'll look stupid if Gilbert set up a trap for tomatoes.

In this manner Gilbert continued to give presents of game to the king at least once a week for two or three months.

"WHAT! I have to do this for two or three months?" Gilbert complained.

No, not really. That's a part of the story we get to skip otherwise we'd be here all day.

Then one day Gilbert said to Ludwig, "If you will only follow my awesome advice, your fortune is made. Go to the river and take a bath just where I show you cause… well, you stink"

The Marquis of West did exactly as Gilbert advised

"Against my will might I add" Ludwig said.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

While he was bathing, King Lovino passed by, riding in his coach with his daughter… I mean son cause we had to change this slightly, the… um

"Biggest cry baby of the entire kingdom, my brother, not son brother, Feliciano"

Okay, okay, King Lovino passed by, riding in his coach with his brother, Prince Feliciano.

"Yay, I'm in the story now!" Feliciano cheered.

"Shut up and let her continue!" Lovino snapped.

Then Gilbert began to cry out, "Help! Help! My lord Marquis of West is going to be drowned! Wait, no he isn't, West can swim"

Just go with it.

Hearing the cries, King Lovino ordered his attendants to go to the rescue of the lord Marquis of West.

While the servants were drawing the Ludwig from the river… I never knew his face could go that red.

"What did you expect?!" Ludwig yelled.

So… um… where was I… oh, yeah, I remember.

Gilbert came up to the coach and told his majesty that thieves had run off with his Ludwig's clothes, though in reality he himself had hidden them under a stone.

"GILBERT!"

Stop yelling Ludwig, it's all part of the story.

"Seriously?"

Yes, seriously.

After the marquis was dressed, King Lovino… er Lovino

"OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S THE POTATO BASTARD!" Lovino yelled.

"DOISTU!" Feliciano yelled.

"Ja Feliciano, it's me… are you wearing your uniform?" Ludwig asked.

Feliciano wanted to make sure you recognised him.

King Lovino was much impressed with Ludwig and asked him to ride in the royal coach…

"LIKE HELL HE IS! THAT POTATO BASTARD CAN WALK THERE FOR ALL I CARE!"

Lovino can't you be nice to Ludwig just this one?

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!"

You know that can be arranged.

"WHAT… NO WAIT… I mean, he can ride with us but he is not sitting next to me" Lovino said.

"You can sit next to me Doitsu" Feliciano said.

"No! Potato Bastard can sit by himself"

It was not at all queer that the king's brother at once fell deeply in love with him.

"Did you have to say the obvious?"

Considering the funny floating cartoony hearts floating around Feliciano's head… probably not.

Quite overjoyed, Gilbert marched before the coach; giving orders to the workmen he met along the way.

Presently as King Lovino came by, he saw some mowers working in a meadow, and asked them to whom the meadow belonged.

"To my lord Marquis of West!" the mowers answered, as Gilbert had instructed them.

"A very… fine piece of land… you have there, my lord marquis," said King Lovino through gritted teeth.

Now was that soo hard?

"You speak the truth, sire," replied the young man, "for it never fails to bring me a most bountiful harvest."

Soon the coach passed another field where labourers were working industriously. When King Lovino asked to whom the field belonged, they answered, "To my lord Marquis of West!"

"Of course it does" Lovino moaned.

"Wow, you must be very rich Doitsu" Feliciano said.

King Lovino, through gritted teeth, once more complimented the marquis upon his rich possessions.

At last Gilbert arrived at a stately castle… in a taxi?

"You didn't expect me to walk all the way there, did you now?"

Well… no, not really.

It belonged to an ogre, the richest ever known, and all the lands through which King Lovino had passed that morning belonged to him.

"I KNEW IT, I KNEW THERE WAS NO WAY POTATO BASTARD OWNED ALL THAT LAND!"

You heard that but you never heard me say Ludwig's name back BEFORE you met him.

"I was busy"

Not paying attention.

The Ogre received Gilbert as civilly as an ogre could do and asked him to sit down.

"I have been told," began Gilbert, "that you have the power to change yourself into all sorts of animals. You can, for example, change yourself into a rat or a mouse or beer?"

Beer?

"Just please let me have this one"

Fine.

"You shall see," replied the Ogre, and in an instant he became a mug of beer and … well, beer doesn't really do much but sit there.

"That is just perfect"

No sooner had Gilbert seen the Ogre in the form of a mug of beer than he picked the mug up, drank the beer and threw the empty mug to the ground. The mug shattered into a million pieces… how are you going to get rid of the mess.

"Simple" Gilbert said showing me a mini vacuumed cleaner.

In the meantime King Lovino's coach approached the Ogre's castle. King Lovino desired to visit it.

"NO I DON'T!"

Yes you do that why you ordered the attendants to drive up to the gates. Hearing the wheels on the drawbridge, Gilbert hastened out.

"Hey your majesty welcome to the awesome castle of my lord Marquis of West!" he said.

"And is this… splendid castle also yours, my lord Marquis of West?" inquired King Lovino, "Let's go in and get this over and done with"

The marquis gave his hand to the… well prince I guess.

"YAY!"

Okay Feliciano, calm down.

They followed King Lovino into the castle.

"Come on Lovino, she said you're going in" Gilbert said dragging Lovino behind him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

In the spacious hall they found a splendid feast which had been prepared by the Ogre for some of his friends.

"That guy had friends?"

Apparently so Gilbert.

King Lovino… well Feliciano at least was so charmed with the good qualities of the lord Marquis of West that when he had partaken of the banquet he said:

"It will be your own fault if you do not soon become my son-in-law, my dear lord Marquis of West… I think I'm going to be sick!"

Suck it up Lovino, not long to go now.

So after a short courtship Prince Feliciano, which is what I should have been calling him from the beginning, became the bride of the marquis and they lived happily ever after.

"Doitsu, catch me!" Feliciano said, throwing himself at Ludwig knocking him over in the process.

"FELICIANO! HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGHT?" Ludwig yelled.

You can find out later, after you get him off you.

Gilbert was made major-domo and wore the most beautiful… I mean awesome clothes, and became so great a personage that he… apparently decided that giving up drinking would be a crime against nature and headed to the nearest pub.

The End

"This ending is awesome!" Gilbert yelled.

"Oui" Francis said, "where is Antonio?"

Antonio fell through the roof.

"Present" Antonio said.

"So that's how far Lovino managed to kick you" Gilbert said.

You know what guys, this story is over now so I'm outta here.


End file.
